How To Make a Good Impression on a First Date as a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)
Your best friend met the perfect partner. For you.
She’s introducing you over a low-key small group dinner. That sounds like a perfect way to meet someone for the first time. Right? You get a wing woman or man to pick up the slack on conversation as you check your date out from all angles and collect your thoughts.
If first dates could happen like this all the time, dating would be much less tortuous as an HSP.
A set-up is ideal really. Because when was the last time you met someone in real life? Like, organically going about your day? As HSPs we tend to stick to ourselves when we’re out and about. So our chances of having a meet-cute with a guy while squeezing avocados in the Trader Joe’s produce section is not too likely. Or at least it never happened for me that way.
And in reality, I probably had only like two set-ups, which is how I ended up online dating and scroll, scroll, swipe, swipe, swiping.
It’s easy to be afraid that you’ll never meet another person to date again. I had that fear quite often. Online dating provides the best solution for connecting to a steady stream of dating options.
So once you have a way to meet people to date, the next challenge is to get through a first date.
I know, your palms sweat at the idea of walking into a cafe and scanning the room for the guy that describes himself as Daniel Radcliffe’s look alike. I get it. I’ve done that and I’ve been there. Nerves-racked.
But first things first. Before we even get to that moment, there are a few things that will get you ready to make a good first impression.
Before the date
Talk on the phone. Okay, so I know that this little piece of advice will make you groan and ask “do I really have to?” But it will pay off when you make eye contact for the first time. Because you’ll have a little bit of shared history from that first phone call. It’ll be a little less scary. And a bit more like you're going to meet a friend. And yes, I know no one is doing this so I’ll tell you how to get from text to phone call. When he texts you, text back “gimme a call and we can iron out the details.”
Have a pre-date ritual. Go for a cold shower. Okay, this is another one that sounds far out. And, no, this isn’t to keep you from getting turned on. It calms your nervous system in as little as 5 minutes. Dunking your face in cold water works, too. As your body copes with the startle from the cold, your calming parasympathetic nervous system gets a jump start. There’s another reason to do it. It taps into “activation energy”. That’s the energy of taking action despite a bunch of mental gobbledygook trying to talk you out of it. It’s harnessing the energy of taking action before your mind has given consent. And in this case, that’s a good thing because your mind will probably resist all the way along.
Choose your attitude for the date. Choose one word that sums up how you want to feel during the date and then hold it in mind. Playful. Lively. Calm. Imagine what that looks like. Your mind will naturally look for opportunities to be that during the date. See how this shifts your energy and guides your actions during the date.
Think of some conversation starters. What are 3 things you’re genuinely interested in finding out about your date? What things do you have in common? Those are conversation starters. Connect over commonalities because commonalities build chemistry.
It’s date time
So the most feared bit of any blind date is upon you. The mind-scrambling moment of your first meeting. It’s like you’ve just boarded a scary sick roller coaster and you’re climbing the first hill. There’s no way to stop the train now. But don’t worry. I’ve got your back.
Calm your nerves with breathing. Begin breathing exercises at the first sign of nerves and continue them all the way to the date spot. 4-6 breaths a minute or 10-15 seconds per breath provides a significant calming effect. Do it for a minute or however long you take to mellow. Make sure your belly is rising and falling.
Get through the door. The moment’s here when you have to push through that door. It’s time to harness activation energy again. Count 5-4-3-2-1 and just do it. Breathe. Breathe. Count your breathing. Are you still breathing? Focus on breathing techniques from now until you forget to.
Give a strong hello. This is the mind scrambling moment. Your goal is to say “hi” and introduce yourself. Give a hug or a handshake depending on what feels comfortable. Smile and breathe as you try to figure out if their profile description matches the person who is in front of you. Your mind is running a million miles an hour. He’s a bit shorter than you expected. You check out his shoes, phew...no man sandals. That’s a relief. Once you get through the first 5 minutes you’ll be fine. Make some easy small talk about what’s going on around you and where you are. “Did you find it okay?” “Did you get parking okay?” Hey, even if you have to ask “do you come here a lot”, it’s all good. You’re just trying to re-establish internal equilibrium and avoid awkward silences.
Stay in the moment. Grab a seat rather than standing so you’ll feel more grounded and protected from sensory overload. Notice the feel of the furniture supporting you and the floor under your feet to connect with the present moment.
Get past “nice to meet you”. Remember the focus word you chose and look for opportunities to channel that energy. It’s time for casual and light chit chat that will hopefully help you discover things you have in common. If your mind goes blank, it’s okay to default to standard questions like “how long have you lived here and what brought you to town”. I know this kind of small talk feels frivolous but you’ve gotta start somewhere. Fall back on the conversation starters you prepared beforehand. Keep the conversation going back and forth. An easy way to be likable is to smile and show interest by asking follow-up questions. When your date asks about you, this is your chance to talk about what you’re passionate about. Being excited about your life is attractive. And make sure to volley the conversation back the other direction. Avoid awkward topics like your parents’ divorce or your most recent breakup. Try to have fun and always stay positive.
Saying goodbye. Okay so here’s the second most awkward moment of the date. Give a hug or a handshake, say “thanks for meeting up” or “it was nice meeting you.” If your date paid, say thank you for the meal or coffee. Don’t promise to get together again if you’re not feeling it. Instead, wish them good luck on something that’s going on in their life and say goodbye.
That’s it! You’ve done it. Now go home and rest and recover. Call your BFF and give her the recap.
If you start beating yourself up for things you said or did, follow the tips in this post to restore inner calm and speak very lovingly to yourself.
What a first date is really about for an HSP
Getting through a first date as a Highly Sensitive Person is a mind scrambling nerve-racking wild ride.
My friend, you should be proud of yourself. You were willing to go out of your comfort zone on behalf of your dream.
Dating is a skill and with every date you get a little better at it and it gets a little less stressful.
One day you will have your last first date. And it all will be worth it.